Passing Time Page 11

  “What would a knockoff say about the last month? This is a genuine thank-you. For your support.” He picked up the box and set it back on Jake’s thigh. “I want you to have it.”

  Jake’s jaw stiffened. He took the box and placed it on the bedside table. He swung his legs off the bed and stood up. “What you can give me is a kiss good-bye, if you like.”

  “Jake.”

  “I want the kiss and for us to part on good terms.” He turned, his eyes softening. “Can we do that?”

  The guy would swap a Rolex with a four-thousand-pound price tag for a simple kiss? Carter’s voice filled in his head. Louis was already aware of what Jake wanted.

  He rose. “My intention wasn’t to offend. I’m sorry.”

  “You didn’t offend me, Louis. I… It’s the kind of gift you give to someone you love. Not to a guy you had a summer fling with.”

  “A summer fling? Is that how you think of us?”

  “You know bloody well I don’t. But you do. This is why I’m trying to make a dignified exit.” He stood up straighter and tried on one of his big, bright smiles. “I am so over you.” The tremor in his words indicated otherwise.

  “That’s a pity,” Louis said.

  “What is? That I want to remain dignified?”

  “No. That you’re over me already.”

  “I thought this was what you wanted? I was the one who tried to change the rules. That’s my problem, Louis. Not yours.”

  “You see your feelings for me as a problem now?” Louis heard the tingle of irritation creep into his voice.

  “Are you saying they’re not?”

  “If I had no feelings for you, you think I would’ve bought you four grand’s worth of watch?”

  Soon as the words were out, Jake’s confusion fell away. His mouth set into a thin line. “I’d have appreciated twenty quid’s worth of watch more. This is like you’re trying to pay me off for caring about you. I’m embarrassed for the both of us, and I’m going to go before I start saying stuff I’ll regret later. Good-bye, Louis, and thanks for spoiling our last moments together.”

  Jake reached for the door handle, and Louis knew if he didn’t react now, he might as well fly home and go dig himself a grave right next to Carter’s.

  “You know,” he said softly. His heart thudded loud enough to rock the walls of his skull. “The watch came with an extra gift.”

  “Louis.” Jake groaned and pressed his forehead to the door. “You’re not listening to me. I don’t want—”

  “Please?”

  “What-the-fuck-ever. Make it quick. I really need to get out of here.”

  Louis took a breath. He’d have to make this up as he went along. Could be disastrous, but at this stage in their relationship, what other choice did he have? Risk everything or lose Jake. No question.

  “Well, this gift I’m offering…is not as good-looking as the Rolex. Won’t give you any kind of status. The gift is free, so you don’t need to concern yourself with insipid things like price tags.”

  “Quit selling it to me, then.” Jake scowled. “What is it?”

  Louis assumed a casual stance. “You’re looking at it.”

  Jake’s confused gaze roamed Louis’s body. “Where?”

  Louis directed a hand toward his own chest. “Right here.”

  “Your shirt?”

  “No, Jake. Me. For weekends and holidays while you’re working on your education.” He shrugged. “Let’s see how it goes.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Funnily enough, I’m not in a joking mood.” Louis tried a laugh, but it sounded thin and juvenile.

  Jake sat down hard on the mattress. “Wow.”

  “Wow I’m speechless? Or wow how dare you presume I’d want an old wreck like you in my life?”

  “The first one.” Jake looked uncertain. Scared, almost. Maybe this wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

  Too late to take the words back. Louis wasn’t in the mood to bluff his way through by trying to pass off what he’d said as a joke. Jake would see clean through to the truth anyway. He had no choice but to ride this out. Whatever the outcome, at least Carter couldn’t accuse him of letting Jake walk away.

  “You don’t need to decide what you want to do right now. I’m all paid up here till the end of the month, so I’m not going anywhere till then. Or if I do, I’ll be down the road at my mother’s place. Either way you’ll know where to—”

  “What about your home in New York. And your job. Do you even have a job? How are you going to afford—”

  Louis sank to his knees and reached for Jake’s hands, which were clasped in his lap. They were hot, clammy. Trembling. “Let me answer one question at a time.”

  Jake swallowed and nodded. “‘Kay.”

  “Firstly I might own the apartment in New York, but the place hasn’t been a proper home in years. I’ll put everything into storage and get the place up for rent. Secondly, take another look at the Rolex. I didn’t bankrupt myself buying it, and I won’t bankrupt myself with a new home either. Thirdly, I gave up my job when I walked out on it to come here. I sell office stationery. That’s no great loss, I assure you.”

  “But all this month, you said you had to go home. You as good as said you didn’t want me.”

  Didn’t want him? Yes, Louis supposed he had given that impression. “It’s difficult to explain.” Louis took one of Jake’s hands and held the palm to his chest. “When I found myself alone this morning, I felt…hollow. There’s been nothing in here for… You must know how long by now. Two years. You were right when you said I’ve been content these past few weeks. I’ve grown complacent. I’ve been alone for a long time now. Not entirely alone. You know how I am with…” Jake’s eyes glistened with tears. Louis hoped they weren’t tears of pity. “With me talking to myself like a madman. I can’t guarantee that will stop. I can’t turn a switch in my head and turn him off. Even if there were such a thing, I wouldn’t. Not yet.”

  Jake stood up and straightened out his clothing. “These are all your conditions. Don’t I get to make any of my own?”

  “You got any?”

  “I have one.” He bit his lip, then rushed forward to pull Louis into an unsuspecting but welcome hug. “I know I’ll never mean as much to you as your Carter,” he said, his voice low, his breath hot against Louis’s ear. “I need for you to stop holding conversations with him when you’re with me. I can’t handle hearing you talking to someone I can’t see. I know I’ve got to share you, but could you ask him to leave you alone weekends and holidays because you’re mine? That’s all I’ll ask. Can you tell him for me?”

  Louis held on to the question as tightly as he held on to Jake. Warmth began to spread up through his belly and into his chest, although he wasn’t quite sure where the heat was coming from. Only that Jake was responsible, and if he wanted Jake to go on being the reason behind this sudden swath of welcome emotion, he was going to have to give back a lot more of himself. And a lot less of Carter.

  “Carter won’t interfere with our plans,” Louis said and leaned in to press a light kiss on Jake’s lips. “You won’t hear of him again.”

  “No, Louis.” Jake pulled back slightly and shook his head. “I don’t mind hearing of him. Carter was a big part of your life, so I expect you to speak about him. I’ll probably even enjoy hearing your stories. What I don’t want is to hear him directly. And I almost can, you know. When you talk to him and you think I’m not listening. I can’t help but hear him. Then I feel like I’m the third man in this relationship. And I don’t want to be last. I think I’m worth more. I am, aren’t I?” Jake’s brows drew together. It appeared he was actually waiting for an answer.

  “At this very moment? You’re everything to me, Jake. Not third. First. It’ll stay that way as long as you want it to.”

  Jake said nothing, just pulled him close and held him until Louis patted his back to indicate the time had come to part. Jake took a deep breath and pulled away, almost as if the inti
macy of the moment had never occurred. Louis turned to wipe the mist from his eyes.

  “Better go,” Jake said. “My mum’s arranged this whole farewell lunch. I’d ask if you wanted to tag along, but…”

  “It’s not my kind of thing.” The thought of meeting Jake’s parents was a step further than he was willing to go right now.

  Jake didn’t seem bothered. “That’s what I thought.”

  “So I’ll see you Friday?” Louis asked as Jake backed toward the door.

  “Definitely. We need to discuss this a lot more.”

  That sounded ominous, but as long as Jake was with him, he didn’t much care what they did. Except fight. He was tired of fighting. “Sure.”

  “Make sure you stock up on condoms.”

  “I bought a pack last night.” Louis trailed out after Jake, relieved that sleeping together wasn’t going to be an issue despite whatever else might be.

  “The way we are together, they’ll be gone by Sunday.” He grinned over his shoulder as he continued to the door.

  “Jake?”

  Jake turned and pressed his back against the door. “Yes?”

  “You do realize there’s a chance we’re not a perfect match in the bedroom department.”

  “What does that mean?” He sounded offended, and that hadn’t been Louis’s intention.

  “What I mean is, I don’t know if I can bottom for you. I’ve never liked…or enjoyed…”

  “Oh, Louis.” Jake reached out to stroke his fingers down Louis’s cheeks. The warm touch made Louis’s skin tingle with pleasure. “That doesn’t matter right now. I enjoy our sex life the way it is. I enjoy you even more.” He laughed and then pushed a quick kiss into Louis’s cheek. “See you Friday. Around seven.”

  Louis wasn’t at all sure that their issues in the bedroom could be swept aside so easily. But Jake was right in that now wasn’t exactly the time to discuss something that may or may not cause problems somewhere down the line. As Louis watched him leave, some of the warmth cooled in his belly. Didn’t matter. Jake would be there to heat him right back up again come Friday.

  * * *

  He found Carter in the bedroom wearing the Rolex, twisting his wrist this way and that so the diamonds in the dial caught the light filtering through the blinds.

  “You never bought me a Rolex,” he said as Louis watched from the doorway.

  “I never bought Jake a cock ring.”

  “True,” Carter mused. “What are you going to do with this?”

  “Give it to Jake. When the time is right. If we survive.”

  Carter frowned. “What do you mean ‘if’?”

  Louis was still having trouble getting his head around a new relationship. “I’m expecting that he’ll tire of me before long.”

  Carter fixed him with a somber gaze. “I didn’t, and I’m rather more fickle than your Jake Harvey.”

  “Will you ever tire of me?” Louis asked.

  “I’m not sure. It’s not down to me.”

  “No. I guess not.”

  When Carter resumed amusing himself with the Rolex, making it clear he had nothing to add, Louis picked up the frame Jake had bought him.

  Whoever said that the camera didn’t lie? Anyone looking at that photo would see a couple with a lifetime ahead of them. He turned the frame over, thumbed back the catches, and removed the back to expose the photograph. The first tear didn’t rip into him as much as he thought. Once the photo had become two pieces, it was easy to make four, then six, then eight, until what he had left was a disembodied arm. A torn torso. Half a nose. A speck of an eye. All these pieces he collected up in his hand. He felt Carter’s eyes on him as he stepped outside onto the balcony, opened his palm, and sprinkled the pieces over the rail to the river below.

  Like ashes.

  Loose Id Titles by Ash Penn

  Passing Time

  Stray

  Ash Penn

  Ash Penn is still working on the English degree as well as her next book. She's not sure which will be completed first. If her characters continue to misbehave it looks as though the degree will clinch it. In the meantime, she's recently started sprucing up her Victorian cottage and intends to do serious battle with the overgrown garden once the warmer weather arrives. She knows absolutely nothing about gardening but is sure the experience might come in useful as research for a future story.

  Discover more about Ash at http://www.ashpenn.net.